Hold 'em for the Certifiably Insane
by SW4G M4N
Summary: One shot. It's become a tradition for them. Every month or so, despite what the protests from their wives and girlfriends, the guys get together for a high stakes game of poker. Who will win big? Who will lose big? This story happens in my AU 'Certifiably Insane' world. If you haven't read High School and Postbellum for the Certifiably Insane, please do so before reading this


**A/N: What's up everyone! I figured it was high time I made another Certifiably insane story, so here it is, the second one shot! Hope you al enjoy!**

Hold 'em for the Certifiably Insane

It was a warm summer's night in Sanctuary city. Ever since Pandora had united under one flag, the flag of the Crimson Raiders, the nights had usually been quieter, without the screams of bandits and the shrieks of wild varkids filling the air. But Sanctuary City, being the large city that it now was, still kept a bit of the bustling noises that used to be in Pandora. Of course, instead of the sounds of murder, the sound of horns of cars and the noise of city life kept the town lively past midnight.

Roland looked out from the window of his office looking out an open window, taking in the night air as he prepared for what was now a bit of a tradition for him and a couple other of the ex vault hunters. It was a small tradition, but it was important to him nonetheless.

From behind, he heard his wife call to him, "Ugh, is that tonight?"

Roland turned around and saw the beautiful red headed siren standing behind him; arms crossed and with an annoyed look on her face. "I really don't want to watch the kid alone tonight."

"Sorry," Roland apologized, smiling and planting a kiss on Lilith's forehead, "You know it's-"

"Yeah, yeah, tradition," Lilith sighed back, waving him off, "Just make sure to hold on to our life savings this time."

Every other month, Roland, Axton, Zer0, Brick, Mordecai, and Salvador would get together in Moxxi's Casino and play each other in a game of high stakes Texas Hold' em. It was something they had started back when they were fighting Handsome Jack still. They would all come back from their missions and gamble away their blood money in the back of Moxxi's bar. Now, their money was a little cleaner, but that didn't mean their habits were any better. It was their one night to act like themselves again, dropping the professional acts they had to put up to keep the planet running. Moxxi even had a table in the back where they could play each other all they wanted, and no one would bother them.

"Is there anything you want me to pick up on the way back?" Roland asked as he grabbed his beret and approached the door.

Lilith just shook her head and answered back, "Just, kindly, try and be responsible? I know you all like to go a little crazy, and I'm cool with that. But seriously, if you lose all our money, I'm filing for a divorce."

Roland laughed heartily, knowing fully well that Lilith probably would, and called to her as he left, "I love you too!"

As he stepped out, he felt free again. Being the Leader of a newly developed planet was a difficult and stressful job, but to be out and about on his own again was a good feeling.

As Roland stepped out of the Mansion grounds, he saw a large black car pull up in front of his house. Once he got closer, the door opened up and out stepped Axton, who had a pair of poker glasses on his forehead and a wicked smile across his face.

"Yo Roland! Ready to get taken to the cleaners?"

Roland hopped inside the car and responded, "I'm pretty sure you were the one who lost his eternal soul to Mordecai last time."

"Pssh," Axton said as he stepped back inside the car and started up the engine, "I'm going to Hell anyways. At least Mordecai's hell will have booze and strippers."

Roland laughed, "How did Maya take it? You know she's a little more religious than the rest of us?"

"She said at least when she goes to hell she won't have to put up with me," Axton answered, shrugging nonchalantly, "But I'm sure she'll lose her soul to Mordecai too. I think he already has Brick and Gaige's too."

It was a short car ride to the large, brightly lit casino. Moxxi's place was probably one of the nicest and most expensive casinos in the galaxy. Apparently she had blackmail on at least ten of the most powerful men in the universe, and once Pandora was actually able to make contact with them, she milked it for all it was worth. Moxxi ended up walking away with billions of dollars and most of Eden Six's pride after the transaction, and spent most of it building her super casino. Now poor shmucks were lining up the block, trying to get a chance to lose all their money to the bodacious mistress.

Axton pulled around the crowed carefully, making sure that no one would recognize them as he circled the building. After a bit of driving, he parked in the back of the Casino, the only part that wasn't overly crowded and illuminated with neon signs. The two ex soldiers hopped out of the car and made their way towards a small door, dimly lit by a single overhanging lamp. In front of the door was a large black robot with huge claws and a large red eye, along with a young teenage girl.

"Gaige, what are you doing here?" Axton asked as he approached the door, watching Deathtrap distrustfully.

"Relax, I'm not here to crash your stupid guys night," Gaige assured him, rolling her eyes, "Mordecai told me he'd lift my debt if I let Deathtrap play bouncer."

"Um, alright. Can we come in?" Roland asked carefully, not wanting to do something to accidently set off the killer robot

Gaige nodded and motioned for her robot to move to the side. Once Deathtrap had moved out of the way, Axton and Roland walked in, letting out a silent sigh of relief. Even though no one wanted to say it in front of Gaige, Deathtrap scared the hell out of them. Of course, whenever they brought up the subject of Deathtrap, they had to make sure Claptrap wasn't around. Every time the little yellow robot heard Deathtrap's name, he'd go on a rant about he started a robot revolution that almost overthrew the fascist government, and how he was superior to that 'scrap of metal' in every way.

As Roland and Axton walked down the old creaky staircase, they began to here the sounds of the others getting ready to play. Axton smiled as the two approached the double doors leading to their private poker room, "This is the night, I just feel it."

With that, he threw open the doors and at the top of his lungs, shouted, "You assholes ready to play some poker!"

Cheers came from the table as they walked over and took their seat. Roland sat in-between Brick and Zer0, while Axton decided to place himself next to Salvador and Mordecai.

"Finally you're here, almost thought that you wimped out, you have the buy in?" Zer0 asked as he put a wad of cash on the table.

"Of course I did," Roland answered as he pulled out his own wad of cash, "same thing every year."

Everyone else followed suit, placing their buy in money on the table as Moxxi walked around to collect. As she walked by, grabbing the money and stuffing it into her bra, she told them in a smooth, seductive voice, "Your dealer should be down here in a minute. If you need a drink, just let me know."

"Thanks babe," Mordecai said as he uncapped and took a swig of the rakk ale Moxxi had just handed him.

As Moxxi strutted away, Brick turned to Mordecai and asked, "I've always wondered, how do you play cards drunk?"

"That, my friend, is an old family secret, passed down from generations of drunks, just like myself. To tell you would be betraying my great grandfather, drunk Tom."

"Drunk Tom? Isn't that the guy who pissed on the High Monk on Athens?" Roland asked, lighting a cigar and taking a puff.

Mordecai nodded proudly, "Yep, Drunk Tom was one of the best of us. Too bad he died before I could meet him."

"How'd he die?"

"Oh," Mordecai responded, "He drank so much his liver became a time bomb. It was only a matter of time. And when I say time bomb, I don't mean it metaphorically. His liver literally became a ticking clock of death. The explosion took out an entire city block I think."

"Well that's just terrible," Roland sighed, breathing out a cloud of smoke

Mordecai shrugged, "Eh, it's how I would want to go."

"Hey guys, dealer's here," Axton called, pointing towards the door

Everybody turned towards the door and saw Marcus strut in, decked out in a suit and tie. He was holding a deck of cards and shuffling it as he approached the table, with a big, sneaky smile.

"Hello friends," he greeted as he took his seat, "Are you all ready to play?"

"I'm serious Marcus, if you did anything to that bet that makes me lose money, I'm gonna kill you, even if there is a law against it now," Axton threatened, putting his sidearm on the table.

"Don't worry, don't worry, I have no intention of robbing any of you. I just want to make your night away from the women as enjoyable as possible," Marcus laughed innocently

Axton nodded and put his pistol away, relaxing in his chair a bit.

"Now," Marcus said in a loud tone of voice, "Who is ready to play?"

Everyone nodded, and Marcus began to deal out two cards to each player. After everyone had gotten a good look at their hand, they put their cards face down on the table and began to play.

"So Generalissimo, how have things been going on your front?" Axton asked Salvador as he checked in.

Salvador tossed a couple of chips in the pot and answered, "Some pendejos over in the Arid Nexus tried to stage a revolution," the madman grinned toothily, reminiscing on the bloodbath, "They were taught the error of their ways."

Roland pushed a handful of chips in the pot and announced, "Raise. So what did they want? Did you at least try to settle things peacefully?"

"Of course I did amigo," Salvador responded innocently, "I even tried to use comedy to win them over? Apparently, they didn't like mi muñeco"

Zer0 grumbled in frustration and tossed his cards out. "These cards are garbage, now Salvador I must ask, what kind of puppet?"

Salvador took a swig from his bottle of rakk ale as Mordecai folded as well, "Oh, I used the dead body of their village leader. I thought it was HILARIOUS, but apparently they don't know humor."

Everybody except Brick, who found this hilarious, simultaneously face palmed as Marcus put down the other cards. Once everyone had finished betting, they revealed their hand.

"Ah," Marcus said as he scanned over everyone's hand, "We have siren's bitch number one with a pair of nines. Siren's bitch number two has a pair of sixes and a pair of fives. My number one customer has managed to get a straight. Salvador wins the hand!"

Salvador laughed maniacally as he reached over to the pot and raked in the chips. "Lo siento mis amigos. Solo es un juego, si?"

The rest of the players grumbled to themselves as Marcus passed out the next hand. The group took a couple seconds to look at their hand and throw a couple chips in to ante up, and then went back to chatting.

"You know Zer0," Mordecai said as he took a sip from his rakk ale and let loos a large belch, "I've always wondered where that sword of yours comes from. Mind telling me?"

Zer0 nodded as he raised and pulled out his electric blue katana. "It is eridian, I stole it from Knoxx himself, it has served me well."

"Damn, you took that thing from General Knoxx?" Roland whistled as he tapped the table, signaling a check

Zer0 nodded, "It was too easy, Knoxx did not notice his loss, he was too far gone."

"Yeah," Roland agreed, "He was never fully there, was he? Son of a bitch was suicidal before we came along."

Mordecai watched Salvador grumble angrily and fold, and the said to Zer0, "That's cool and all, but what I meant was where does it come from? It doesn't look like you have a sheath or anything."

"The sword digistructs," Zer0 sighed, a little disappointed that no one wanted to hear more about his sword's origin, "sheaths are very cumbersome, they get in your way."

"I guess it would get annoying," Axton chuckled, "I can't imagine trying to do all the acrobatics that you do with a big sheath strapped to your side. Might hit you in the middle of a back flip or something."

"Everybody finished betting?" Marcus asked the players who hadn't folded, which were Zer0, Roland, and Mordecai.

The three nodded in confirmation and turned over their hand. Marcus looked them over and announced, "El presidente has a pair of kings with an ace kicker. The cyborg with the sword has a full house. The drunk has a high nine. The cyborg wins!"

A smiley face popped up over Zer0's head as he whipped out his katana and used it to collect his winnings. While collecting his chips, Zer0 recited, "Leaves falling from trees, snow drifting onto the ground, douches get cleaned."

Roland and Mordecai just sighed in disappointment; but stayed optimistic. The night was still young, and knowing their friends, there would be plenty of opportunities to get their money back.

After an hour or so, the first player dropped out. Brick had gotten a little over excited about a one on one betting war he got into with Mordecai. The berserker ended up going all in on a bluff and lost all his chips to Mordecai's three of a kind. Only after the hand did brick figure out that a flush did not mean having all red cards, but all of one suit. He grumpily left the table and stood in the 'shame corner' where everyone had decided that the losers would have to stay in for the rest of the game.

The next to go was Salvador, who ended up almost ending the whole game once he was eliminated. The dwarf was not too pleased when he lost to Axton because of an Ace high. After loosing, Salvador immediately proceeded to produce two assault rifles and began threatening to mount their cheating heads on his wall. Luckily, Marcus was able to give the angry little man his poker night sedative before anyone was hurt. Salvador fell on the floor, completely asleep, and was dragged into the loser's corner by Brick.

After two Eliminations, only Axton, Mordecai, Roland, and Zer0 remained at the table. Mordecai had managed to hold on to the most chips, due to his uncanny luck and strange ability to make great decisions while completely drunk. Zer0 had the second most chips, followed by Roland and Axton. It was looking like the alcoholic sniper was going to win again.

"Had a bit of a slow start, but everything is as it should be now," Mordecai chuckled as he raked in yet another pot, leaving Axton almost chip-less.

Axton growled angrily as he eyed his pathetic pile and compared it to Mordecai's massive stack. "It's impossible to be this lucky. Moxxi's rigging the deck for you, isn't she!"

"Me?" Mordecai gasped sarcastically, faking offense, "I would never do that! If anyone's cheating it's the poet over there," he said, pointing towards Zer0. The assassin turned to Mordecai and a red question mark popped up over his visor. Mordecai simply nodded and continued, "You heard me. I bet you Angel's back at your apartment feeding you statistical analyses or whatever it is she does!"

"You think she'd do that?" Zer0 chuckled as he peeked at his new hand, "Angel cannot even curse, much less could she cheat."

"That is true," Roland said, throwing a couple chips into the growing pot, "Plus, wouldn't he be winning if Angel was helping? The woman has the mind of a super computer."

"Whatever," muttered Mordecai as he raised the bet.

When Axton's turn came around, he realized that he was pretty much out of chips. He would either slowly bleed out the next couple rounds or he could make one last attempt to get back in the game. With a deep breath, Axton announced, "I'm going all in," pushing the small amount he had left into the pot.

Roland groaned and pushed his two cards out, folding the hand. Zer0 and Mordecai, however, decided to stay in, trying to get the commando out of the game.

"Alright, lets see 'em," Marcus said as he prepared to put the five face-up cards down on the table.

Axton, Zer0, and Mordecai all turned over their cards, each crossing their fingers, hoping for the better hand. Both Axton and Mordecai's look of confidence dropped when they saw Zer0 with two Aces in front of him, a smiley face proudly displayed in front of his visor. "You've gotta be kidding me," Mordecai sighed as he looked down at his seven and queen. Axton crossed his fingers, hoping for both a jack and a king to give him two of a kind.

"Here we go," Marcus said with a grin as he began to draw five cards from the top of the deck and place them face up on the felt.

Seven…Jack…Seven…Two…Ace

Axton face palmed as Zer0 happily pulled out his katana and used it to rake in the pot, mocking both players as he did. Mordecai simply growled angrily and took another swig of rakk ale, bringing his grand total up to eight bottles. Roland spotted this and looked over to Mordecai, who didn't even seem tipsy. The leader of the Crimson Raiders asked Mordecai, "How are you not dead? Seriously, I'm impressed."

Mordecai responded with a wave of the hand, "Pffft, this is nothing! I remember, once, I downed twenty of these babies before passing out! Or, at least I think I remember."

"Oh, you did," Axton said as he stood from the table, "You threw up all over me while I was carrying you to Dr. Zedd. He had to give you a third kidney."

"So that's where that scar came from," Mordecai muttered as he pulled up his shirt, checking out the long white scar that ran down his side.

Once Axton moved over to the loser's corner, the three remaining players eyed each other carefully. Mordecai broke into a large, toothy smile as he gauged his competition. "You know, I don't think I own either of your souls yet. Care to add something to the mix?"

Both Zer0 and Roland gave Mordecai the 'are you serious' look, neither willing to sell their souls to a drunk. Roland finally broke the awkward silence by pulling a golden badge from his pocket and slamming it on the table. Zer0 and Mordecai eyed the object, trying to figure out what the badge was. They both knew it was from the crimson lance, since it had a small lance in the middle.

"It's my old commander's badge from the crimson lance," Roland told them with a smirk, "It's worth a good amount. Anyone else?"

Zer0 nodded and reached into his pouch, producing three kunai knives. He threw them down on the table, each lodging itself into the wood after the other, forming a perfect line. Mordecai sighed and pulled out a bottle of rakk ale from his bag.

When Roland saw this, he objected. "I could buy myself a cellar of rakk ale with the money I'd get for selling this badge. Put down something more valuable."

"For your information," Mordecai responded in a faux snobbish voice, "This is not just any bottle of ale. This particular bottle is rumored to be the oldest one in existence. Some believe that it was created by an Eridian brewer at the beginning of time and stored in a cooler of the Gods."

Zer0 shook his head, while Roland simply shrugged and let Mordecai put his bottle of 'legendary' rakk ale on the table. The three then began to play for their three favorite things, money, loot, and bragging rights.

After another hour, the game was over. As usual, Mordecai had ended up winning the pot, leaving Zer0 down three knives and Roland without his golden badge. The hunter chuckled as he shoveled his winnings into his satchel. "Another year in a row, eh boys? No hard feelings right?"

Everybody groaned and rolled their eyes, yet another month of getting taken to the cleaners by Mordecai. Roland sighed in disappointment; he really liked that badge. Luckily, he had earned many more commendations, so there was more where that came from.

"Maybe we should let Kraig play next time," Brick suggested as the group began to file outside, each heading to their own car.

Axton shook his head and responded firmly, "No, absolutely not. We already have one insane man at the table, there's no need for another. Plus, I'm pretty sure he has a crush on my girlfriend."

"You aren't threatened by him, are you?" Mordecai laughed at Axton's expense

Axton quickly answered, "No, but I'm afraid he'll get jealous, tear out my insides, and use them as floss."

"That does sound like something he'd do," Roland agreed

The men all said their goodbyes and stepped inside their cars, all ready to call it a night. Roland, of course, was forced to drive home by Axton, who was drunk off his ass and ranting about how close he was.

"I'm telling you man, the hunter is cheating!" he exclaimed as Roland pulled out of the parking lot, "He's always been cheating! How do you win that much?"

"Could be luck," Roland responded, not wanting to feed Axton's rant too much.

The commando took another swig of rakk ale and sputtered, "Shiiit, Maya is going to kill me!"

"Maybe she won't be as disappointed, since the same thing has happened since we started this tradition. I'll be honest, I don't think her expectations are too high."

Axton shot Roland a glare and drunkenly pointed at him, "I'd be offended by that if I wasn't so wasted."

"Let's just get you home," Roland laughed as Axton nodded off, slumping against the door, smudging the window of his own car.

Though it may not have seemed like it, none of them cared who won or lost. It was getting that old feeling of freedom back, the rush of a pile of cash, some cool new gear, and a bottle in your hand. It was an unspoken understanding, something only the guys got. It was a feeling that was worth the lectures they would all soon receive from their wives or girlfriends.


End file.
